Bridgette's Story

Since I was a young girl, I've always been a helper, a caretaker, the oldest of four kids and the "mother" energy in my household. I've been a nurturing presence for everyone - but me. How do you learn how to take care of yourself after 40 + years of doing for others, having your life depend on that? Well, you get real brave and begin anywhere you can. For me, that place is the physical, my body. Spiritually, emotionally, I can do just fine. Mentally and physically I am like a new baby, learning how to walk and use this amazing body and mind of mine. For 22 years, I've struggled with weight. (sound familiar to anyone?) For most of my life, I've believed that my body was an unsafe place to be...

After all this time, I realized that it's not weight, but my belief system, all the thoughts that create my life everyday. How else could I lose weight, fit into the clothes I love, only to gain all of the weight back again, plus more?! (again, sound familiar?) I've played out this cycle more times than I want to admit; it's painful to re-visit that life. I've done most of the major weight loss programs available. Guess what?! It's not about weight, so these programs don't work long-term for most people. Yeah, yeah, you've heard this stuff before, haven't you? So what other choice is there when you weigh almost 270 lbs., are desperately unhappy inside (but still trying to put on a happy face outside) and the idea of loving yourself seems ridiculously out of reach? Surrender. Be where you are. That's what I finally did. I accepted the fact that I hated myself and had created this other Bridgette that looked together and happy for other people to see. No one knew how tortured, undesireable, undeserving and scared I felt , or how I comforted myself with food (only to punish myself later for eating that food).

My body started talking loud and clear by this time. In 2006 I found out that I had high cholesterol, high blood pressure, sleep apnea (I stopped breathing 65 times an hour while "sleeping")and I was at least 100 lbs. overweight. (In 1998, I started to experience vertigo, which I was told was Meniere's Disease. Since that time I have taken Meclizine and Valium for symptoms.) Just dealing with this part of my health took a lot of courage and commitment; I started on meds and began sleeping with a CPAP machine for the apnea. I had some small improvements; sleeping better and somewhat lower blood pressure. Yet, I still could not to lose weight. Those of you who struggle with weight know how easy it is to obsess over it, day and night, so I was driving myself crazy. Around this time, I started to consult with a neurotherapist, Dr. Bill Collins. He does a lot of "brain" work with people on many levels. (amazing work!) I went to him for help with losing weight. I didn't know it at the time, but he helped to prepare me, mentally and emotionally, for a total change in my life, not just weight loss. I never realized the level of fear I had about changing myself, how I believed I would lose everyone I loved and end up alone. Dr. Collins also prepared me for the successful feelings too; it can be scary to succeed where you've always failed. I did not believe that my life could be different; he helped me to change that belief. Even though I did not begin a physical change that was visible during our visits, there were many internal changes that allowed the physical changes to happen.

Later that year, I returned to the doctor, frustrated and near tears. She offered a suggestion: gastric bypass surgery. Talk about shock and my jaw hitting the floor! That was wake up call number one. The next one came when my ENT informed me that if the medication route (meclizine, valium) for my vertigo did not work, I was looking at ear surgery. (all testing came back normal) That did it. That's what broke through my irresponsibility for my own health. This was up to me and I knew it. I vowed that by the end of 2007, I would be medication free, have normal blood pressure and cholesterol, sleep without a machine and be at least 100 lbs. lighter. I didn't know how, I just knew that I must do this. I knew I was worth more, had purpose in this world and deserved a happy life. I also knew that just losing weight wasn't going to fix any of the yuck I was thinking in my mind. I had no idea what to do, how to change my life. I just knew I had to.

December 17th, 2006 was the moment that my whole world began to change. In tears, I was at the end of my rope when it came to facing how long I had been mean and unloving with myself. I looked at the ceiling in my living room and asked Spirit what to do. I knew that a diet, the gym and and exercise routines were not answers for me anymore. What then? And what I heard was, "get off of sugar!". So I did. Just stopped eating it. Now, it took a lot of attention, energy and love to look at every single thing I was putting in my mouth to see if there was sugar in it. That's how I started. Believe it or not, it got easier. I did not miss the sugar, I still don't. (big stuff coming from a former sugar addict) How?
I became more important than any food craving on this planet. The other answer I got was to clean out my closet. Anything that did not fit now was to go. That was actually more difficult than the sugar, if you can believe it! I had a mountain of clothes to give away; things that I had been saving for over 15 years, clothes that were too big, too small and all the ones in between that I had settled for because I couldn't fit into the kinds of clothes that I loved. Out they went with some tears and a lot of deep breathing! Now I had more space to create something new with myself...

With a few weeks of this under my belt (well, I couldn't wear a belt yet) I met with Denny Waxman, my new Macrobiotic counselor in Philadelphia. With his suggestions and insights, I began a whole new perspective on food, me and my body. I stopped thinking about losing weight. What I focused on was the life in my food, not the food in my life. Less processed foods and more whole veggies, grains, beans, sea veggies, fruits and combinations. The question I ask is: Will this food add to my life or am I feeding myself dead stuff? Sounds kinda weird, but when you get down to the reality of what we eat, it works! Amazingly, my body began to naturally melt. As Dr. Collins said, "Your body knows what to do; stop trying to tell it how to do it's job". It takes a lot less energy to lose weight than it does to gain it. I know it seems crazy, given all the struggles I've had, but it's true.

This has been the easiest, most loving way I've ever fed myself food and thoughts. Nobody is telling me what I can and cannot eat. (man, has that been scary, kind of like a free fall!) INo, I don't eat sugar, meat or dairy products. Yes, I now eat lots of fresh, whole, live food. I walk when I want to and ride my bike and go dancing when I feel like it, not because I "have to exercise". I believe that I am worth taking care of, so I give myself the very best I know how. This has inspired me to learn more, to find out what else exists. People think I am depriving myself because I eat differently. I don't. I give myself the most valuable gift everyday that outshines any doughnut, fast food, or cream filled dish. I give myself love, in everything I ingest. That matters most to me. And because I am still a giving, caring kind of girl, that means that what I have to give is full of love, the best and highest that I know how to give. Because I care so deeply for me, the world reaps the benefits; I want to help create a happy and loving world, so that is what I am creating within myself first. My dream and vision is for every person on this planet to give the most amazing care to themselves, living every day in love with who they are and feeding that person the highest in body, in mind, in spirit. Imagine a world of love!

That's my story!