Honoring My Brave Leap into Myself
Today marks the time in my life that changed everything I knew. I haven't really talked much about it on social media, and I don't plan to say too much now, yet I feel compelled to acknowledge it. I can just feel that one person, who is ready to make a choice that will change everything in their world.
Six years ago, I left my marriage and moved back to St. Louis to live by myself. My then husband and I we were still close, which was wonderful and confusing. He helped me find my new place, move into it, and do the things that need being done in a new home. It would be the first time in my life that I really lived alone. After 30+ years of being a married woman and living in those shoes, I was suddenly standing in a different pair. It took all of my courage to do it and it felt amazing to finally jump. It also felt terrifying to know I was the one who would be making all the choices and taking care of me, in all ways. I felt incredibly alone. I also felt incredibly loved and supported. I was happy to live closer to my son, his wife and my grandson. My business was still in St. Louis. Many of my friends were here. I did not foresee how I would need to adjust or how long it would take, because I am still adjusting. My then husband is remarried and happy. I am super happy for him. Big adjustment. We both thought I would have been the one to remarry first. Nope. Not even close. Years of tears, more leaps and a lot of deep breaths have been part of my journey to unwind myself so I could feel what I want, now. I live with me. I am happy. I am still feeling the edges of who I am as this me.
This year the memory feels emotional and monumental. It is a bizarre thing to be someone for such a long time, then walk into a life where you are not that person anymore. It was ingrained into the texture of my life. There was a part of me that I wasn't allowing myself to be, which is why I made the choice to change.
Only now do I really feel who I am, down to my toes.
It is a brave choice to choose into a new way of being, of opening the door that you would only peek through, wondering what it was like on the other side. In essence, so many things that I knew about life have been crumbling away. I question so much now and am finally feeling, inside, that feeling of freedom, connection and trust that I so desperately sought in my marriage. I know now that no one can give that to me. I did not know that when I was 21, or 32 or 44. I was always hopeful that it would come from my partner and that he would make me feel safe, happy and loved. What a responsibility to give another person and what a loss of power for me! As I moved forward and learned more and more about myself and why I wasn’t as happy as I wanted to be, I slowly took that responsiblity and power back. I am the one. Always. If I am not feeling how I want to feel, I am my go to person. This change in my life transforms everything.
As I allow myself to keep opening doors, revealing the parts of myself that I did not feel were acceptable to other people, more changes are happening. My work is shifting in ways I could not have imagined. Friendships are changing in ways I never would have expected; some feel incredible and some feel really sad. I do my best to let those feelings come and go, without making them mean anything, other than things are changing. Gratitude and being anchored inside makes all the changes easier, even the really rough ones.
I wake up everyday, feeling the energy of who I am. Not just my personality or who I am in the world; the actual FEELING and sensations of my vibe. Fluid, clear, fiery hot and cool. My energy feels like a laser when I am tuned in and aligned inside; I get to be this energy maestro and sing my soul. I get to be a literal BRIDGE, helping people make their shift from who they thought they were, to who they truly ARE.
Am I still scared sometimes? Seriously, yes. Do I catch myself and shift more quickly? YES.
As I finish writing this, I am starting to get an inkling of why I feel so much emotion about what has come and gone. It is 9/1/19. Completions and beginnings.* I can feel this part of my life completing and my new beginning is creating a different relationship with my body. This is the part of me that I still struggle with after years and years of weight and food obsession. Well, to be honest, the obsession has a lot more to do with trying to be enough. This choice to fully step into myself has been like a gauntlet and every so often I pick it up, thinking that I am ready to let it all change. it is the one part of me that has me shaking in my new shoes. It means moving out of survival and actually LIVING NOW. The old way of thinking doesn’t fit and I am tired of feeling disappointed and powerless because I seem to return to the struggle, every time I move forward. I hear all the old thoughts and beliefs in my head. Everything in moderation, exercise more, and every kind of eating plan known to man. And the biggest belief: This is never going to be different. Not for very long, anyway. You can’t have everything the way you want it…
Oh really? Just watch me. If I could do what I did 6 years ago, I can open this door, too. When I peek through this doorway, I can see me and the amazing feeling of being at ease in my skin. Time to throw that door open. (more on that soon)
I honor the courage and the calling that brought me here, to this moment, and thank every soul who has been part of this time in my life.
I honor your courage and calling, whatever form that may take, for you. Make that leap into yourself.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and honor the brave in each of us…
My goal and mission is to help you wake up, remember and celebrate who you are, deep inside, beneath the beliefs and experiences that have taught you to see yourself as broken, unworthy or not enough, freeing you to feel the joy of being happy in your own skin and spirit. Bridgette Kossor
*numerology - if you want to know more, you can check out my friend Jody McKechnie’s course